Grieving Death During the COVID-19 Pandemic

With the COVID-19 pandemic at or near peak in Connecticut, many local residents may unfortunately face the death of a loved one, a friend, or an acquaintance. We asked Kim Nelson, LCSW, Wheeler’s Chief Program Officer, for her thoughts on grief and grieving to help all of us find acceptance and peace.

We hear about the “stages” of grief. How do those manifest?

These are shocking times, and many families have already experienced someone they know or love exposed to or diagnosed with the virus. If they haven’t yet, they will.

The stages of grief that we traditionally hear about are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance, but grief isn’t a linear process, and very often there’s no clean beginning and end. I think it’s important to know that it’s also normal to have a mix of feelings, maybe all coming together at once. They can be ambiguous, and unpredictable, and most people aren’t comfortable with unpredictability.

The grief can also present itself in many ways. It can just hang there all day or can come in waves. Sometimes, it’s triggered by something, and not necessarily something that even makes sense!
 

What steps can you take to accept the process of grief? Do you have to?

It really isn’t even a matter of accepting grief. The grief is there. We can’t control that it’s there. It’s more that we learn to adapt to the grief in our own ways.
 

One of the shocking parts of COVID-19 seems to be the fairly fast deterioration of health. What effect does this have on the grief and grieving process?

The grief from a COVID-related death may impact people differently compared to loss from a degenerative disease like dementia or cancer, or even someone dying at an old age. It may be more similar to losing someone in an auto accident, where the fairly fast shock of death plays an oversized role in the grieving process. Very often, family cannot be there at the end of life for someone with COVID. They may not even be able to talk to the dying person, to say those final words. That kind of grief and loss is going to affect and look different for everyone.

I think fear comes into play, also. This is an unusual way to die from most of our lived experience, and the daily news, the constant information flow, and the nature of a worldwide viral pandemic are scary! It’s normal to feel fear right now.

There is no script to follow here. You need to recognize the need to take care of yourself and accept the grieving process, and also be accepting and kind to yourself.

How can you find your inner strengths or assets to help you carry through?

First, do not be afraid to seek help, through a professional or even a circle of friends.

Just as important is to practice self-care in a way that is meaningful to you. Ask yourself what has sustained you through hard times in a healthy way before. That may be exercise, or meditation, painting, reading, your faith, whatever! Rally up the past healthy techniques you’ve used to cope with difficulty, and they likely will help you with grief.

How can you honor the deceased?

I mentioned fear earlier. I think adding to the fear right now is the fact that many deaths from COVID, or in general, cannot be recognized in the traditional ways, like funerals. This certainly compounds the grief that we feel.

I’d say that there is no wrong way to grieve or remember the deceased, and I suggest remembering them in ways that are meaningful to you. Remember them as you wish to remember them. While I think social media can be negative sometimes and can stoke fear, it can have an amazing and positive connective role, too. The stories and remembrances you may have otherwise shared at a funeral can be shared on social media, with pictures, or slideshows, or common memories. It allows us to express that immediate grieving right here and right now, which is so important, and it allows us to connect with each other, and maintain that humanity.

Lastly, I think one of the best ways to honor the deceased is to be kind to yourself; you will be dealing with a sense of guilt or a range of emotions. The deceased very likely would have wanted you to find peace.

For more help, or to schedule an appointment, call Wheeler’s Navigation Center at 888.793.3500.