Grieving Lost Moments and Events
Recently, with the COVID-19 pandemic at peak in Connecticut, we asked Kim Nelson, LCSW, Wheeler’s Chief Program Officer, for her thoughts on grief and grieving the death of a friend or a loved one.
Grief is not limited to death, however. Tens of thousands of local couples due to get married, graduating seniors, children celebrating birthdays, and countless other people have had plans interrupted, cancelled, or postponed. We asked Kim for her thoughts.
When you are looking at the loss of a “moment”—a wedding, graduation, or some similar event—how can you reconcile the reality of the situation with your grieving?
“First, recognize that it’s OK to grieve these special moments. While losing a graduation, for example, is perhaps not life and death, the loss people feel has a very real cost and a real sadness associated with it. These touchstone moments have tremendous value and meaning, and we shouldn’t underestimate or minimize it. It’s a rite of passage, and those are important to us individually and in our society and communities. That’s why they are such a big deal, usually!
This ‘new normal’ is unsettling, and the good news is that it will pass. The future may even be better! But that’s small comfort at the time, especially if perhaps you haven’t experienced death or loss before.
The most important piece of advice I can give is to recognize the need to take care of yourself and accept the grieving process. Mobilize your community of friends and family in support! We see this going on all over the world. It’s a shared human loss.
It’s normal to have a mix of feelings, maybe all coming together. I talked about the traditional stage of grief previously, but expect to feel shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, sometimes in different ways and in different orders. Grief isn’t linear.”
How can you notice if your personality or mood changes are having an effect on your relationships with other people?
“We’re all trying to cope right now. We’re all grieving in a way. I’d say to look for trends. Is it just one person acting toward you differently? If not, are there similar dynamics going on with multiple people? That may be an indication that perhaps you could use some help or a stronger focus on caring for yourself.”
How can you find your inner strengths or assets to help you carry through?
“First, don’t be afraid to get help. Work with a professional, reach out to friends, maybe even people who are (or are not) experiencing this loss with you. The human connection is a great help.
Lastly, find ways to practice self-care that are healthy and meaningful to you. Lean into what has supported you in tough times. Exercise, your faith, reading, meditation, a skill, or whatever!”
If you’re not grieving but someone close to you is—perhaps a graduating senior, or a couple getting married—what can you do to support them?
“It’s important to be there for them, and how you do that depends on your relationship. Give space if that is the traditional relationship you have with them in times of tension, or get closer if that is the norm instead. Be kind. Be understanding. You don’t have to feel the grief, or the same level of grief, and that doesn’t invalidate it for them. They are hurting. Don’t try to rationalize why, or how.
Offer to assist them in getting help, and maybe gently offer lessons about the stages of grief as appropriate so they can see this is all healthy and normal. But don’t force it.
Lastly, be there for them when the event happens in the future!”
